Thursday, 31 May 2012

I hate my love life!

It's crazy I know what I want but can't seem to find it.  Looking for love some say is like a roller coaster.  Well if it is then for me its just been a long dive down a twisting and turning track.  I'm waiting for the up swing but it doesn't seem to be coming.  I never expected the journey to be easy but I wish it didn't have to be so tedious.  I'm not still single because I'm not putting myself out there.  I meet lots of women but finding one where there is a mutual interest is elusive.  It seems as I get older I'm getting more and more that isn't correct.  I'm finding it harder and harder to find women that I find both interesting and I feel a bit of chemistry with.

Ah, what is this chemistry I'm looking for?  I wish I could define it.  Part of it is just shallow physical attraction but it so much more then that.  I've got female friends I think are very attractive and I think are interesting yet no chemistry.  With other women even if I think there is chemistry on my side it doesn't mean that there is any chemistry on the woman's side.  I don't have a problem with that.  I don't expect most women out there to feel the chemistry with me just as I don't feel any romantic chemistry with most of the women out there.  I'm me and I'm comfortable with who I am.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I wasn't but really...what does that even mean?

It would be pretty arrogant of me to think that I tick off all the check boxes women have simply because different women have different check boxes.  The issue to date is when there is mutual chemistry I find that my judgement has been flawed some how and I end up thinking "Who is this crazy woman?".  I like a little bit of crazy.  I'll admit that but I don't need to be putting myself into relationships where I'm thinking to myself "Should I start giving the individual personalities of this woman I'm seeing different names?".  So I watch myself more carefully when I say to myself "Hey, she's a bit alright!" and go through a check list to see if she is "crazy fun" or just "crazy crazy".

The next problem I see I'm having is my female friends.  No one will admit to agreeing with this yet but I think I have an issue where my closest friends are women and this isn't serving me well in finding a partner.  I'm not going to get rid of my female friends but I need to find a way to counter act some of the side effects.  You might be thinking "What the $&#^ is Wayne on about right now?!?!?"  So hear me out.

I've always have had a plethora of respect for women and I think most will agree this is a good thing.  I owe thanks for my female friends for this trait.  I constantly think about respect with women I meet.  I don't want them to be thinking "I'm not interested in this guy! Why is he coming on to me?" and that sounds reasonable at first.  But here is where it goes awry.  These days I'm more worried about not wanting to step beyond a boundary of a woman I'm interested in.  Instead of in times past testing the boundary I'm staying clear of the fence waiting for an explicit invitation before proceeding.  Now this is more of an issue at the start of something then it is when you've gotten past the barrier of "Is she interested in me?".  At that point I'm good.  I test the waters and respect the boundaries that get defined and for the most part this has worked fine in the past.  Good communications let you know when to proceed and when to slow down but it is always a bit of a march forward.  But before you know there is an interest this seems to be a problem.  Even if I tell a woman I'm interested, I mean actually saying "I find you very attractive." it seems to have a big difference from actually making physical advances.  Most women say they want a man who can communicate and they might think they want more words from men but in over 25 years of dating and relationships women don't want words about relationships.  I'm not talking about the woman you are in a relationship with.  I'm talking about a woman that you are wanting a relationship with.  You would think at first that exchanging words to confirm interest by both individuals would be a good thing but not true.  We seem, well most people seem, to like the anonymity that comes from not vocalising a desire and often vocalising a desire makes us weary of that desire.  Being the geek I am I now remember reading a psychology paper on this topic.  In new relationships some things are better left unsaid.  Even if you know I like you and I know you like me there seems to be a bonus freedom that comes from not vocalising this to early.  To me it is stupid in one way but I need to learn to accept the fact that I'm probably better off not telling a woman I'm interested in her and just making it clear with a proper kiss.  Historically speaking I can tell you that it is a much better tactic because, as of yet, telling a woman that I'm interested before making a physical like a proper "dating kiss" has not worked.  I can see in the looks I get back the interest they had seem to wash away.  It's like asking them to sign a contract for something much more then I'm asking for.

So what do you think?  Honestly what do you women think?  Would you rather a guy go for a proper kiss or have them say "I'm attracted to you. Are you interested in me?".  The studies say most women would rather the former rather then the latter.  It seems women want more communication but only with a partner they've been with for a while.  Talking seems to be a good way to kill any romantic interest that may be about to come a light.

So to this end ... from this day forward ... until I'm told otherwise I vow to revert to my youth.  To flirt and make the flirting count.  If a woman is not interested then her body language can speak to tell me to stop advancing my flirting.  As long as I'm not ignoring her reactions verbalisation of rejection will never be needed and the woman who is interested never needs to feel exposed by verbally expressing interest even though her physical actions say that she is interested.  Now I only have to hope I don't meet women that are confused about where their boundaries are and keep moving them back and forth like a 50 move stalemate in chess.  I don't mind boundaries.  I'd rather just stay outside until you are sure you want to invite me in but I've dated more then one woman that seems a bit bipolar about where her romantic boundaries are and that is not a head game I can deal with so I'm better off just walking away.

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